It has been months since I had last written. Today was a big day. I am receiving my O-Levels Chinese results. I was numb in the morning, oblivious to the fact that I shall be receiving an important result. The numbness did not last long. In a blink of an eye, I felt the jittery coming out of me, felt the aura of nervousness radiating from my school mates to myself. I remembered clearly that a friend told me that my face was pale, and I knew my hands had turned cold. I glanced back and realised my teacher is giving out the results to other class members. There were two classes before mine. Since, we are all seated on the seats assigned in the Grand Auditorium, the teacher had trouble giving out the relevant result slips to the students. There were laughter and cheers and I caught a glimpse of few with sad, solemn faces. My heart was pounding on my chest, and I seem to be hallucinating. The speed, at which the teacher is presenting the papers, is killing me.
Finally, its was my turn. I took my paper and looked into it, heart banging against my chest. It was an A1, the best grade, and a Distinction for Oral/Aural. I glanced around and faced my classmates, from the looks on many of their faces were happiness. But there was some who had strong aura of glumness. My best friend. He had achieved an A2 and he was thoroughly disappointed, after-all he had worked extremely hard. I could tell he was jealous and he is more than unhappy. This would spur him on, which is a good thing, but will he flare everything at me, his best friend? This is an on coming war, and I certainly do not wish to fight it; because there would be heavy damage during a war. I do not want my friendship destroyed, just because of this.
So what should I do? Cheer him on? Fight against him? Let him win? Decisions, decisions.....
I am 15 this year, and I am of age to apply for a part time holiday job, to gain experience and some quick cash.So when I heard that my friends had jobs, I was pretty jealous because I have no idea where to find them. The EXPO Sitex has just ended, and they have earned quite an amount, BUT, at a price: swollen legs.
Why do I want money? Well, isn't it obvious to spent it, save it? Afterall, the festive season is approaching and I may be bound to purchase some presents to my closest of friends. Nevertheless, having extra cash feels good right? But, in my opinion the most important thing would be to acquire sufficient job experiences and prove to my family that I am not that spoilt and that I could work for a living, also known as impressing them.
If you were to ask me whether I save my pocket money, the answer would be yes. And if you were to ask me why don't I use them? The answers would be:
1. Firstly, I have this heart-ache feeling whenever I was about to spend my money, so as much as I could, I tried to refrain from spending unnecessary.
2.Secondly, I feel guilty if I were to spent them, afterall, those money were not hard earned by myself. They were my parents! I could not afford to even spent away their sweat and blood!
3. Thirdly, the things I wanted to purchase are often very expensive, and since I am not a rich child, I cannot afford them, so I ended up not spending any of it.
Well, what am I doing to earn some quick cash now? I am currently, writing newspapers reviews to my father (yes my father), and he would grade it and give me a minimum of S$2.00. The prices will increase depending on the quality of my work. I hate to say this, but my father is extremely strict, he asked me to summarised the content of the newspaper and when I did, he asked me to elaborate on them. This is paradoxical! But, earning 2 bucks per article is a pretty good deal. But, I think I spent too much time polishing up those reviews that I tend to forgot on the other things.
Currently, I am trying to appeal to my parents and aunt to help them with their chores with a price for lets say S$1.00? Their reply was like,"You live, eat and sleep in my house and you dare to get money from me for doing the chores..."
Oh! One more thing!
Students who are like me hunting for holidays jobs, please be cautious in the jobs you choose! You guys must not be so tempted by money and took part in illegal activities! It is not worth it!!
Alright, happy holidays to the Primary School Students!
"I am prepared, I am prepared, I am prepared...I thought.
I took a deep breath and stared at the worksheets on my desk. I blanked out instantly. I cannot continue to do what I am suppose to do - Homework.
Its ok.... Lets try others, I thought.
I flipped through the next assignment, and my heart skipped a beat. I have no mood."
That was what I had been facing for the pass few days and what I am feeling now....
Currently, I am using the computer to blog, facebook and twiter. In front of me was a additional mathematics workbook, the pages are blank. I have not started much. It seems that my attention spam on such work are getting shorter and shorter. This is very very bad!
Because I promised my aunt that I will be doing my mathematics. I hate lying to her and , most importantly, myself. I was so determined, and now, I fell for temptations! Now what?
How am I going to change for the better? How am I going to prove those bitches and arseholes that I am so better than them? How???
I can't stop myself and think that if this goes on, I might end up in a place, where I dread. What should I do? I hate loosing the determined "me" in such instances, I hate it, hate it, HATE IT!
This is great, just great! After all those time spent on thinking, strategising on my next move and here I am screwing up the whole thing! I cant focus!!
I needa F.O.C.U.S!!!
Anyone has any suggestions???
I can never understand why my dear relatives are jeering me. Why they are so persistent in saying I am an idiot, when they often asked me for my opinions for their problems. I am getting more depressed every day hearing all their insults at me. They called these insults comments.. Its ridiculous. I may have rebutted them at certain point of time, but I did it because they had mistook me! I did it because to tell them that they are fucking wrong!
All of them are complaining about my End Of Year results. I admit they are under expectations, but not to the fucking extend that I failed all my subjects and get last in the whole damn cohort. This is something I could have handled but after hearing all the criticism from them, my pillars of tolerance are jerking. I felt hatred, unloved and something much much intense, jealousy. I do not like them comparing at all my friends, comparing to people they do not know much, comparing to those students in Raffles or NUS or some god damn famous school. They never listened to me, they started believing in what they think are the the causes of my failure.
My aunt can be the sweetest person in the whole wide world, but she chose not to. Her words were like icicles, cold and sharp, and they jab at me continuously. I tolerated and tolerated and kept quiet, and there she goes saying that I am pulling a long face, showing my anger. I have lived with her for 15 years! I never regretted this decision to stay with her because I know this is what I want, this is the place, where I get the most attention with everyone. Now, she said those words again, "I am going to sent you off next year at.all.cost". This sentence is worst than an avalanche hitting me its something, so intense that I do not think I could tolerate. I sometimes hate her to the extent of hurling my cup of water and splashed it in her face.
My father can never stop nagging away at things. He simply demanded things and whenever I made a deal with him, MY DEAL becomes HIS!!! Its unreasonable. He loves to compare with my friends, especially when I have very very very little friends. He goes on comparing with others ignoring that my circle of friends are getting smaller thanks to him, he called this,"analysing where you stand." Whatever! He himself had never achieved an excellent grade when he was young and before this terrible ordeal, he was taking my results for granted and ignored me. Whatever I did, he never judged them as good, no matter how hard I tried. I said nothing to whatever he was saying, because I fucking knew that he would have hundred more points to rebut me. Now, I told him I would not play computer games, and he goes extending the limitations of NO this NO that, this is really getting on my nerves.
It is extremely hard to please all of them, even though the study limits they set aren't high, because they spent half their time and mine, draining away my motivation to study, injecting wrong perception in my brain, such as I am an idiot, rotten apple. Do they know they had already insulted me to an extent that I sometimes when I am outdoors, I have crazy thoughts on what people will view me? Do they know when to draw the line? Do they know that I am already depressed enough? Do they know they are loosening and nullifying their bonds with me?
To be frank, I am absolutely positive that I am concentrating more time in managing my pillars of tolerance. I admit I am overall a good child, I do not steal like my friends did, I do not go out with my friends till late at night, I do not go to lan gaming shops, even though I was persuaded to go there. My attitude is not that bad at all!
These are the few factors that made me a depressed child:
1. Few trusted friends
2. Parents, who are full of complaints
3. Parents, who nagged at redundant matters
4. Parents, who insulted their child to a maximum extent.=
5. Parents, who do not know their limits
Its hard making a smile nowadays in front of all of them. When I meant a smile, I meant those that are from the hear, those that could portray the emotion of happiness, and show it to them. I am now smiling at those sweet memories I had before, when I wasn't even able to walk....
Welcome to my new blog. I will be posting often about my every day life, my ups and down, and many more.
I hope you enjoy it!
If you have any negative comments, I would be delighted if you could STFU and get the bloody hell off my blog.
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name is Demetrius. 28.10.1996 / Scorpio / ~~. a sarcastic, outspoken, a bit psycho and short tempered person. currently living in Singapore. Studied at Maha Bodhi School. currently preparing for O-levels at Chung Cheng High School Main. <3 6Joy '08, 2 Justice '10, 4 Justice '12. A proud scholar who slack all day~~~
♥♥♥ to sing and listening to music, gaming(PC/DS), eating cold desserts and watch movies. adores XXXX XX XXXX . Recent activities is school, study, and more studies.
loves food, especially carbonara, unagi, oreo, green bean cake, Pastamania, Home cook food(Nothing's ever better than your Mother's homemade dishes~~) and of course MacDonald. drinks ,includes oreo bubble tea, Milk,Honey, Grape Aloe Vera drink, Heaven and Earth Passionfruit, and milk tea .
I am very loyal to my dear dear friends!
A proud fan of
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE,
Demi Lovato, Nana Mizuki, P!nk, Emma Watson, Paramore, 飞轮海, SHE, and JUSTIN BIEBER(nah jus kiddin~).
♥ Books: Harry Potter, The Sword of Truth, Twilight, Heroes of Olympus, Percy Jackson~~~
♥ anime: Nanoha, Nanoha A's, Nanoha StrikerS, Shakugan No Shana 1,2,3!!!
♥ games: Yu-Gi-Oh, Cardfight Vanguard, Maplestory, Runescape, Dragonfable, Battleon,Castlevania: Potrait of Ruin, Castlevania:Order of Ecclesia, Pokemon:DDD, BOXHEAD:X
♥ music: my ears are compatible will almost all kind.
